Loud enough to hear

Yesterday, as we swooned at the Fijian voices of two choirs celebrating Christmas - one small and the other quite large (see Sage’s posting) - I was reminded of how much gospel music and spirituals have been inspirational to me. Little trace of organized religion runs through my family, and I have listened to this music outside of that context: recorded, at the New Orleans Jazz Fest, and in the gospel choir I joined while at community college back in the day. In some inexplicable way, I identify with gospel music. Most would agree that it can be unbelievable beautiful, but for me it is stronger than that.

Many of my earliest musical inspirations - after Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson (from my mom), and Tom Zé (from my sister) – date to a trip I made with my dad to a music store for my birthday. He let me loose to buy several CDs (the first I owned). This was in one of those stores where you can listen to everything before you purchase it – as I remember it he let me wander and sample for hours. The CDs that I remember buying that day include: Mahalia Jackson’s Greatest Hits; Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong; a sampler of female jazz vocalists from way back; and various hip hop albums. At least 15 years later I still own those albums. Mahalia Jackson is still at the top of my list. Thank you, dad!



I have been very shy about singing for as long as I can remember, though I think my family would tell stories of how much of a little showboat I was in my younger years (Lia loves best the story of me breakdancing in the park in Ashland, dressed up like Michael Jackson). Even as I have gone from a reluctant speaker in classes all the way to a confident professor in front of a class of 90, singing remains both a scary and an enticing prospect for me. I want to sing, I do sing, all the time – but not loud enough for anyone but Sage to hear. When I sing “for real” it is low and when no one is around.



I once got up the nerve, while living in San Francisco, to take voice lessons. The only teacher available within my price range was a tiny elderly opera singer – who only taught opera. I loved her, but she told me that “an alto is a lazy soprano” and so I struggled. At the time I was also working on a film and soundtrack. I wrote a song, very much inspired by Mahalia Jackson, and sang it to my teacher, who shook her head and said “it’s such a waste”. But it was not a waste - it was who I was/am. The music I love to sing is jazz, gospel, spirituals, Motown, and hip-hop. This music moves me, it makes me feel spiritual, without any need for a stronger tie to religion and without much in the way of beliefs: other than the fundamentals such as doing the right thing, working for justice, loving and sharing.

Today, on Christmas, we drank Fijian Kava with some locals and sang Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan and Christmas carols to two ukuleles. When we came home I sang in my “good voice” for Sage while we swam in water that could not have been cooler than 70 degrees. This is my religion. In an attempt to start the next year by singing loud enough to hear, here is the song from my film: Lars the Daydreamer. I am also including some drawings I have done over the past few days. So much love to you all, our dear family and friends.